Sunday, January 26, 2014

Christmas Tears

     For the Christmas holidays, I visited my youngest sister and her family.  We had a nativity on Christmas Eve, opened presents Christmas morning, and then we went to my sister's in-laws' house for a few days.

     Sometimes I remember to bring fun activities or books read with my nieces and nephews--sometimes I forget.  This time I remembered to pack some Christmas books to read together.  These simple picture books provided one of the sweetest moments I had this year for Christmas.  After waking up, some of my nieces wanted to cuddle with me on Nana's couch.  It was a perfect moment for story time.  Snuggled up close, toasty in our Christmas PJ's and new blankets from Nana, I started to read.  I looked over and a pair of pail blues eyes were looking up at us.  This blue eyed six year old was my sister's niece whose mother passed away in May from breast cancer.  I invited her to join us and after a little coaxing, she snuggled right in.  My heart almost burst as I realized, she didn't have a mommy to cuddle with and read stories.  How long before her mom passed away did she have a moment like this?  It was as if her little spirit was craving a mother figure's affection.  My eyes watered and my voice cracked as I realized what was happening in this moment.  I wanted to cuddle her closer and read stories with these little girls all day.  Nothing else mattered at that moment.  God gave me the gift of mothering at that moment to a six year old girl who so desperately needed it.  We both needed it. 

     The previous day I purchased items to make Rice Krispie Treats with Christmas M&M's.  I started to pour the marshmallows into the bowl when the blue-eyed six year old entered the kitchen.  She looked up at me with curious, shy eyes and I asked if she wanted to help.  A quick, silent nod.  I asked her if she had ever make Rice Krispie Treats.  With a furrowed brow and look to the floor, the answer and nod of the head to indicate "no." My heart broke again.  Who will make RKT with this six year old?  Who will she learn to cook from?  Who will take her shopping?  Who will tuck her in a night when Dad has to work late or is helping older brother or sister with homework?  Her sweet dad is doing a great job--he really is a wonderful father who is now trying to be both parents, while grieving himself.  Doing this holiday thing alone is new--he is trying to figure out how to make it work.

     Christmas without her mom.  What would that be like for a six year old?  I reflected on her first concern when her mother passed away, "But who will plan my birthday party now?"    I caught myself looking at her and her older brother (eight years old) and sister (twelve years old)  several times throughout week with wet eyes. What daily challenges do they face that are multiplied because they don't have a mother to kiss their "owies" all better?  I just wanted to hug them forever. 

     The next day, my top priority was to make sure we made cookies together.  I couldn't let the week to pass without making sure she had the chance to do what mommies do with their little girls--make cookies.  The other little girls were also anxious to help.  Eight eager hands made making cookies a bit challenging and messy and I loved every minute of it.  My heart broke and eyes watered as this adopted blue-eyed niece (adopted by me) said,  "I haven't made cookies in for forever.  I don't ever make cookies with my dad."  I was so grateful I acted upon the thought to make her feel special and create a Christmas memory with her. 

     My favorite gift this Christmas was a few short mothering moments to three children who missed their own mother.


        "In my experience I have seen that some of the truest mother hearts beat in the breasts of women who will not rear their own children in this life, but they know that “all things must come to pass in their time” and that they “are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:32–33)."  -Sister Julie B. Beck, "A Mother Heart," General Conference, April 2004