No Cousins

A few years ago, my niece, Taya kept telling my sister, “You need to have twin baby girls, Mom.  You can name one of them McKayla and the other Kayla.  You can take care of one and I will take care of the other.”  How thoughtful!   When her mom asked what would happen if one was a boy, Taya retorted that her mom would have to take care of the boy and she’d take care of the girl.  If there were two boys…her mom would be on her own to take care of both of them.  Daily petitions in prayer were sent to heaven for these twins by the, hopeful, older sister.

When my sister called to tell me she thought she was pregnant (but not with twins), I was overjoyed!   My favorite things on this planet are my nieces and nephews.  However, when I hung up the phone, I felt an overwhelming curtain of sadness and remorse.  My sisters have all had their children and this child would most likely be the last of my siblings’ babies.  I was pretty sure that they were all done.  It was too late for me and my children—time had run out.   My children will not grow up with their cousins.  I missed the boat and I didn’t even give my children a chance to get on the boat.  Their ship was sunk before they had a chance to ride.  Deep sorrow loomed.  I wasn’t necessarily feeling sorry for me, but for my possible unborn babes!  I loved growing up with my cousins and the relationships and memories we created.  Perhaps even more endearing are the relationships my nieces and nephews are developing with each other. 

For example, in the summer of 1999, three of my sisters all had baby boys--June, July, and August.  Along with sharing pregnancy stories, after the babies were born, they all toted babies in car seats to my mom’s house and McDonalds.  Those three boys love each other.  They have been raised together.  One nephew said his cousin was his best buddy in the whole world.  Who will be my children’s ‘best buddies?”  

Previous thoughts of “no same age cousins” have loomed over me, but this time, the reality seemed larger, like a sunken hopelessness. My prolonged singleness will prohibit rare relationships that could have occurred between my children and my siblings’ children.  When I take my children to the park, (if we ever get to the park) they will be swinging and sliding as their cousins are filling out scholarship applications and shining shoes for missionary service.  Although I don’t let the thought of no same age cousins consume me, it is a reality of being in my late thirties and single, and it really bites.  (Did I really just use that phrase?)

            However, I guess the silver lining of the cousin cloud can be found in the fact that my oldest niece just got married—my kids can grow up with her kids!  I told her she can’t start having kids before I do…well, she is married and I am not…I don’t know how long that will last!  

Focus

       One year, a single friend of mine, who was about 38 at the time, told me that she made a New Year’s Resolution to get married.  (Yeah, I’ve made that one many times as well!)  She was going to do everything in her power to get married.  More than previous years, she was going to focus more heavily on dating.  She created a profile on-line on a single’s website and spent much time sorting through other profiles and corresponding with single men.  She also went on every blind date offer.  She said she actually dated more that year than she had ever before.  However, she also said that she never felt so lonely and so depressed.  I thought that was interesting and ironic.  Dating did not bring happiness, nor did solely focusing trying to get married. 

       Her experience reminded me of when I was working on my Masters Degree in Cedar City.  Living in a college town in my thirties and single, I was really stressed out that I was losing my opportunity for marriage by living there for two years.  I had been out on a date with the only three single men in the town.  (PS word of advice to single men:  1) don't show up for a blind date wearing sweats and flip flops, 2) don't talk about how you don't want to get married and don't want roommates because you can't deal living with anyone, 3) don't admit that you spend your weekends watching high school football games on Fridays and professional football games on Saturdays--this was my experience with one of the three single men in Cedar City).  With my anxiety about not being married, not really knowing my neighbors, and only one friend my age (and a few younger girls), I was very lonely and very depressed.   My coursework was very difficult and honestly, I was probably feeling sorry for myself--because I was obsessed with the fact that the window of opportunity for marriage was narrowing rapidly.

      This last year, however, although I really want to be married (and have children),  I felt truly happy--even though my dating life consisted of only a single blind date.  I also noticed that I felt an immense amount of gratitude for small and simple things.  I’m not exactly sure why, but I caught myself many times just feeling GRATEFUL.   Grateful and happy.  Grateful for a working car, finding everything on my grocery list on sale, puffy clouds in the morning sky, being able to sleep through the night, not having an allergy to wheat or chocolate, the ability to read, seeing a friend at the drive-thru at the bank that I haven't seen in almost fifteen years, etc.   I was blessed to recognize countless tender mercies.  Perhaps this was partly due to the scripture that I chose for my theme scripture for 2012:

Ether 12:4  “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

          This last year I really strived to focus on looking for opportunities to “abound in good works” and really focused on “glorifying God.”   Applying the word of God changed my life and attitude (I’ve said it earlier, I don’t know HOW it works, I just know it DOES work).  Hope came from faith which became an anchor against the storm of loneliness and despair. 

          I was blessed with countless opportunities to fortify many relationships and strengthen friends in need.  One day in particular stands out.  I had just read Elder Ballard’s talk from October General Conference and he extended the challenge, “In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help. Stay focused, just like the honeybees focus on the flowers from which to gather nectar and pollen. If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible.”   

          I prayed in the morning find someone to serve.  That evening I made dinner and when there was a lot left over, I tried to think of who would needed dinner that evening.  My darling mother is known for taking people homemade bread and often says, “When I make bread, God tells me who to take it to.”  I thought about a lady down the street who is currently going through a divorce.  When I stopped by, she seemed grateful and I didn’t think too much about it until the next day when she called.  She said the day I stopped by, she had just returned from the doctor and found out that she had breast cancer.  She was really shaken up and couldn’t talk about it that day and she couldn’t face making dinner when I stopped by.  I had no idea that she found out that heart wrenching news, but God did.   

            I had enough dinner left for another couple and I thought about a lady who was my sister’s favorite Young Woman’s leader.  She had fallen recently and had not been to church due to her injury.  When I arrived at her house, her husband took me back to talk to her—she had just had knee surgery—that very day!   I had no idea she had surgery, but God did!   Dramatic as this example is, it happened.  I witnessed that day that when we ask for someone to serve, God will surely send us on His errand.  As we focus on the needs of others, our vision will expand to see the hands that hang down. 

           If our thoughts are constantly consumed with the fact that we are single, surely we will become depressed and hopeless.  We must trust God.  Trust in His timing.  Trust in His plan.  Focus on our relationship with Him.  Focus on our relationships with family and friends that we already have and create joyful moments with them.

            While I was serving in a Relief Society Presidency, several times the President, Pam, would say.    “Whatever we focus on expands.”   I have noticed that principle is true in many aspects of life.  If you focus on getting out of debt, you will likely find ways to save money and forgo purchases that are “wants,” as well as having opportunities to make more money come to you.  If you focus on the negative things your co-workers or family members do, you will more likely find more faults and more negative.  If you focus your energy and thoughts on your calling, you will receive more revelation.  If you focus on practicing the piano, you will be able to play "Waterfall" as fast as John Schmidt.  If you focus on that fact that you are having a bad hair day, your mullet looking hair will inevitably get worse as the day goes on.

          The same is true with focusing on our singleness.  If we intensely focus on our unhappiness and loneliness because we are not married, that loneliness will expand and increase.  However, if we focus on the needs of others, our problems will lessen and our joy will increase.  We can find deeper purpose and more meaning in our lives through service to others. 

         One reason that I have avoided the “mid-singles” wards is that there is so much focus on “ the woes of being single.”  When I attended with my roommate, I felt surrounded by people who were self-absorbed with the fact that they not were married.  There was overwhelming cloud of heaviness and hopelessness.  Due to the fact that everyone who attends is single, there is a natural tendency to focus on one’s “singleness.”  My roommate even heard a prayer said, “Please help us feel our worth, even though we are not married.”  Really?  Are you kidding me?  People actually feel this way?  I was heartsick when I heard this, but unfortunately the reality is that there are single people who truly feel this way.  This does not need to be so!  Although we may feel sad or lonely at times, we can have hope and find true happiness.  Our lives can have purpose!  Focusing on the needs of others and forgetting ourselves and our problems is the key.   I sincerely hope that people who attend those wards are able to find balance and know that our value does not depend on our marital status!  There is a life after 31--married or single.   

         President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "To you single women and men who wish to be married I say this, Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably."  (A Conversation with Single Adults, Sept 22 1996)

            Want to find true happiness?  Don’t dwell on what you DON’T have (whether that be marriage or anything else you are lacking) and focus on the bounteous blessing you DO have. 

             This coming year, don’t focus on that fact that you are not married, focus on your relationship with God and FOCUS on filling the needs of those in your sphere of influence.  True happiness comes when we lose focus on ourselves, and focus on blessing of the lives of those around us.  

            After a year of intense focus on marriage increased depressive feelings, my friend I mentioned at the beginning decided to change her focus and obsession on dating to spending more energy and time on her calling, serving her family and people at work, and living a full life.  Two years later, she did get married, after reconnecting with someone from her 20^th high school reunion!
  

"I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness."

                                                              ---President Thomas S. Monson, General Conference October 2012