Suffocating

     The other day I attended a Mission Homecoming address in Sacrament Meeting for my friend's daughter.
     On the pew in front of me, there was a little girl named Molly.  I knew that was her name because she had a notebook with her name on it.  She made me think of a little buddy I have, named Molly.  The little girl sitting in front of me was probably about five years old.  Her hair was perfectly placed in darling pigtails.  She had a younger sister, about three years old, whose hair was also in perfect pigtails, and they both were wearing darling dresses.   They were sitting with their dad and a couple that appeared to be their grandparents--maybe their mother was home with a sick child or a new baby.        
     Anyway, I was very impressed with whom ever the beautician was that did their hair.  How did they get those little girls to sit still long enough to achieve Sunday hair perfection?  Whenever I try to do my nieces' hair, it always has lumps, is uneven, or there is wailing and gnashing of teeth and tears because I am apparently not soft enough.  I wish I could make little girls' hair look cute--either I don't have that talent or I have not had enough practice.  
     The little girls sitting in front of me also had an older brother--he was probably about eight years old.  His hair was slicked back and he was wearing a spiffy suit with a tie.
     I don't know why, but the thought came to me that I may never have the opportunity to "practice" doing little girls' hair for church.  I may never spend Sunday mornings searching for lost church shoes and slicking back little boys' hair.   The little girls were so sweet and I longed to have little girls of my own that I could put in matching dresses and homemade bows.  Out of no where, I felt like my heart would burst.  My deepest desire is to have my own babies and toddlers and teenagers.  Time is ticking.  I don't know how much longer my window for child bearing will be open.  Will I never have that blessing and privilege?  Not only do I want to have children of my own, I want to have the opportunity to take them to church and teach them about Jesus and God's love.  I want walk up the stairs in my mom's house with a carseat and a baby in it, as my sisters have.  I want to take my own children to the zoo and parades.  I want to have late night chats with my own daughter or son.   My bursting heart started to beat faster and my breathing became labored.  I don't know how to describe what I was feeling other than I felt like I was suffocating.  It was so intense I felt anxious and numb at the same time.  Perhaps it was like I sobbing inwardly, but tears didn't flow, as I would have expected.  
     Thankfully the feeling didn't last the entire day.  It didn't even last the rest of the meeting, but for a  brief period of time during that meeting, I felt like I was suffocating.   

     "Faithful daughters of God desire children. In the scriptures we read of Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, and Mary, who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child, the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection. Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood."

                 Sister Julie B. Beck
                  LDS General Conference October 2007